So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
