Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
