he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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