I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Randomize
