Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
