we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
jump out the window naked night went bad
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize