I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
he shaved USA in his pubs
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
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