I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Did I show you my penis last night?
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
