A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Randomize
