I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
