I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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