On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i was born a porn star she said
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Randomize
