You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
