cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
