Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
