She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
