You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
We had to coat check the pizza.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
