I wish I could punch you in the face.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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