I murdered the dance floor call the cops
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Randomize
