you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
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