puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
