Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
