is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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