He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
