They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
