oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
