I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Drunk is a universal language darling
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