I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
