I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Randomize
