seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Randomize
