I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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