Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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