You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
