Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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