I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Randomize
