Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Randomize
