You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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