just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I need to calm my uterus...
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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