Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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