K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
pray to the hookup gods
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize
