whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
