Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
