I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
