moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
My ass is underappreciated
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
