just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
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