Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
