I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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