ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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