we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
