I looked at my own cervix.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Randomize
