Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
only you would photoshop your dick
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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