The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
lol hangovers are for mortals.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
