I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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