Will you blow on my dice?
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
