The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Randomize
