You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
